Should I continue to fight for this girl?

You’re always on my mind

Most of my teen email questions come from girls, but that doesn’t mean I don’t give advice to boys. I do. In fact, I welcome questions from guys. I also invite guys to read the questions girls send in. Likewise, girls should read the questions guys send me. In this way we can learn about each other and about how to be our best in the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Zone.

This question came from a high school sophomore who is trying to figure out what’s going on with the girl he likes. Maybe you’ve been there.

Hey Terra,

I met a girl that I think is the woman of my life!!! Since the first week of classes we talked every day about everything! Each day I loved her more. I know she liked me at first, but as time passed and we continued talking, I realized that she wasn’t acting the same. Her friend told me that she didn’t like me any more. We still text, every day at all hours, and we still talk about everything. She is very funny and cute in the messages, but in person, she acts like she doesn’t know me!

Do you think I should continue to fight for her?

–So Mixed Up

Dear So Mixed Up

I understand that you have very strong feelings for this girl, but when you talk about “fighting for her,” what are you really saying? It is not possible to force someone to “love” you if she doesn’t have those feelings. No amount of “fighting” or begging or pleading or manipulation will change her heart.

Clearly you and this girl have things in common. That is why, when you are texting, you can “talk about everything.” That’s what friends do. But when you two are together, face-to-face, something changes. When Person A feels a romantic attraction and Person B does not, it can be awkward for Person B. Maybe the change in her behavior is her way of creating distance because she does not have the same (romantic) interest in you as you have in her.

Here’s my suggestion: Enjoy the texting friendship. Do not put any pressure on the girl to spend time with you in-person. Let her decide what level of interaction she is comfortable with.

As for you, you can decide what you wish to do (if anything) about this relationship. Here are some options to consider:

1. Continue texting and enjoying the friendship for what it is. No pressure or expectation for it to be more than a friendship.
2. Stop texting her and withdraw from all contact and communications. You might choose this option is being “just friends” is too uncomfortable for you.
3. Talk to her about the change in her behavior. Have a private, respectful conversation about what you’ve noticed in the way she treats you when others are there.
4. Take a break from the drama and use the break to spend time with other people, guys and girls. This will help you develop more friendships and take some of your focus off of this girl.

When thinking about your next move, please try to be as helpful as possible. And, of course, to treat yourself and others with respect.

One more thing: If you feel you have to “fight” to win this girl’s heart, something is wrong.

Good luck!

In friendship,


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