I Choose Love – Growing in Gravel

“This is the miracle that happens every time to those who really love: the more they give, the more they possess.”

RAINER MARIA RILKE

I know your life didn’t turn out the way you dreamed it would. I’m sure that sometimes your world feels as if it has shattered.. even when you see the good, I am sure the hurt is still huge and creates a hole that isn’t healing sometimes. I am sorry that I am probably a big part of that gaping wound. There are times that I sit and pray for you. I pray for your healing. I pray that you would understand that even though life doesn’t look the way you dreamed… it really is beautiful, and that I am not your enemy.

My presence doesn’t mean that the beautiful memories you created before me aren’t valid. It doesn’t mean that the memories you create with the child that we now share are any less important. My presence doesn’t take away your role or make you less than.

I know that sometimes my choices affect you. I know that sometimes you feel like you have no control. Believe me – I understand that. It’s part of living in a blended family. We all affect the other household in some ways.

I guess what I need to say today is that, although you may never see this, and I may never even tell you.. ( because, let’s be honest we don’t even speak anymore. And.. that’s okay for now,) I am sorry. A series of choices led us here. A choice to marry your ex, a choice to leave your ex, a choice I made to marry him…. etc etc. A series of choices that we ALL made have made us “familly.” I chose to move to Florida and be part of my family – which includes your daughter. I chose to leave what I knew to love my husband where he was. And I know me being part of this is probably hard. Especially now. Especially with where we are at. And for that – I’m sorry. I am sorry that your’re angry. I am sorry that you’re hurting. But – I am NOT sorry for loving my husband. I am NOT sorry for loving your daughter. I am NOT sorry for following God’s plan for OUR lives and taking us closer to family- even when you don’t agree. I am NOT sorry for doing my best in my home, for trying so hard to have peace for us all, for working hard to agree to things to make our lives easier until the child we share is grown.

I may not agree with the ways in which you are choosing to handle your pain right now. I may not agree with the way you refuse to accept us as your daughter’s family. But none of that changes anything. What you or I feel doesn’t change the situation.

I guess all I need to really say right now is I am praying for you. I am praying for miracles. I am praying for peace, and healing in your heart and for our family to become a family for our shared child. I am praying she finally feels a sense of belonging in this world and that we can offer her peace by loving each other. Because.. she loves us all. I am praying for a heart that forgives and loves you at the end of every day. I have never wanted any of this either. But here we are. So we can either embrace it, grow, love the people we have been given or we can be bitter and in pain and try to manipulate to change and control the situation. Today.. and every day.. I am choosing love. I am choosing to live in gratitude for this life. Even if it’s not what I pictured.