Die

Thinking about writing this post has help somewhat so I’m hoping actually writing it will help more. I have been depressed since Wednesday evening. I’m bipolar (correction, I am a person diagnosed with bipolar, I’m not bipolar) and was hypomanic Monday through Wednesday so a crash is to be expected. This is not a BIG swing and I’ve talked to my talk therapist but haven’t called my psychiatrist, although I’m thinking about seeing if he has an opening tomorrow or Tuesday.

Over the past few days and right now, I am anxious to do things, I feel like a guilty, worthless human being for not accomplishing anything (even my hobbies) and my stomach is in knots because all I can do is sit in my recliner or lie in bed. Tears come to my eyes because I’m sad about nothing at all I’m just sad. And, I keep telling myself I’ll do something later to keep from feeling guilty. It doesn’t work, I still feel guilty! (I did put the dishes away yesterday and load the dishwasher and fixed the clogged sink but that’s not enough I still feel guilty!)

The knots in my stomach are nonstop and I have a headache. The self loathing I’m told by years of therapy and several hospitalizations is not honest but that doesn’t matter it feels honest. My family and friends all think I’m worthless and want to abandon me, it doesn’t matter that they’re still here and talk to me I feel like they’re all about to abandon me! I don’t care if that’s illogical if feels real!!! I’m all alone. And then there’s those knots in my stomach and the headache. I think if I go lie down it will be worse so I stay sitting in my recliner watching basketball but I’m not watching it’s just on.

Writing this is helping me distract actually. I was thinking I wanted to die because I wanted my stomach to calm down. I’m not saying I’m going to hurt myself I’m just saying if a meteor fell from space and hit me I wouldn’t be bummed. I’m tired of the knots in the stomach but the writing has helped. I took two Tylenol for the headache and they’re working. Maybe if I just keep writing. But I won’t do that to you. I’ll end this post and start another one in a bit.

I have been taking Seroquel to help but over the last several weeks I have gained 10 pounds. I have to stop taking that and find something else. All these bipolar/depression drugs are potential weight gainers; you’ve got to experiment to find one (or twelve) that works for you (with a good psychiatrist).

I’ll end this post with saying I’m not feeling like dying right now. I’ve been productive – I’ve written this post. The knots in my stomach are lessened and if they come back I’ll write another post.

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